Monsters in the Closet

It's time for therapy. It's time to face all the things I've been hiding from and avoiding. With or without support, it doesn't matter. I know there are some of you out there who are close to me and would want me to open up to you and come to you for help and advice. But the truth is, you would make this journey more difficult and nearly impossible to face. Because it's you I am hiding this other face from. I do not want to see your disappointed faces or witness your efforts to help me when it is I who have caused your greatest pain. 

I do not want to see the pity in your eyes or the shock when you hear me say that I've tried to harm myself and end my little life here in this world more than once. I want you to know I do have a problem and I will admit this much to you but I don't want to tarnish your perception of me anymore than it already is. Maybe someday I'll have enough courage to face  you and lay it all out on the table to dissect and talk about how I've evolved from such things. But today is not that day. It is too dark and filled with too many demons, I'm afraid you wouldn't understand.

Those of you who are closest to me know I have very little to no self esteem. How can that be? I hear your cries of  "you're so smart and so beautiful." But you know as well as I do that only I can choose to believe such things of myself. And in this state of mind, that is just not how I see myself. But it isn't your job to help me change my thought process and I would not put that burden on you, my closest and dearest. But if you want to come over with ice cream and movies, I am open to those forms of comfort and support. 

I took a long walk today with my boy and dog after being home stuck in bed, vomiting and fighting a migraine. I could barely walk. Depression is very much a disease. Just like any other disease. It wipes you out and is debilitating. But it isn't treated like any other disease. No regular check ups for it. I don't know even know where to begin when it comes to healthcare coverage. No one talks about it. There isn't any real education on depression or the types of depression. Chronic, post partum, manic, etc. 

I hear people tell me all the time, "Just change the way you think. Fuck depression. Kick it in the ass and tell it to go away." I look at these people and regret opening my mouth. I think there are more steps to managing depression than just changing how you think. As if you can snap your fingers, and tada! Depression is magically gone with a few weak ass affirmations. All the monsters under your bed is gone even though you didn't crawl down there yourself and pull them out and drown them. No. When a kid is afraid of a monster hiding in the closet, the best way to conquer that fear is to face it. Open the closet in the dark, stand in the doorway and watch the illusions disappear. Until all the illusions are gone and you grow past that fear. And that usually does not happen overnight. So yeah! I'll kick depression in the ass. One battle after another until the whole war is won. 

I don't know. I'm rambling now. But I guess the point I'm trying to make is that I have to face all the mental blocks and illusions my mind has created that makes me feel like shit and unworthy. Because I can tell myself all day long that I'm worthy and good enough but if I never understand what it is that creates this negative, self loathing in the first place, I will never, ever truly feel worthy. True inner peace will never from any of you folks out there and all your advice. So, it is time for therapy again. 

"Some steps need to be taken alone. It's the only way to really figure out 

where you need to go and who you need to be."