Juggling Ever Afters

Movies are made of life. Life isn't a movie, though. Because too many movies have happy endings where two people emerge from tragedy almost unscathed, hair perfectly coiffed, clothes wrinkle free and walk into the ethereal light of a happily ever after together, kissing and smiling like that was the end of sadness and terrible things to come. Whether a fairy tale, comedy, romantic comedy, drama, adventure thriller, hero movie, sci-fi....there is always someone standing on the pedestal of the grand prize. Sometimes even the bad guys win. Too many movies like this....with their happy endings. Almost predictable.

It makes my life seem bland. Dull. Unremarkable. Yet, I must make some allowances. I have achieved. Not more than I've failed but I've achieved some things. I've managed to keep my toilet paper stocked and supplied enough light bulbs to bring light into my drab, humble home. I have furniture. They're all used and dragged out of a consignment store but they're mine. I purchased a barbecue grill; it's a modest 19 inch grill but works magically for two mouths even though it feels like I'm feeding 5 when it come to lil man's growing appetite. 

I've juggled my bills well enough...perhaps I've dropped a ball or two here and there when I've taken on too many things to juggle. But learning to let go of some unnecessary expenses and keeping up with the ones that count. I live a meager lifestyle. But we have adventures enough between my imagination and lil man's knock knock jokes.

I'm not in rags poor but I'm not rolling in the dough but I am still writing. Because if I ever stop writing, that is the day I will die. I've taken up reading again. But this time, trying to step out of my comfort zones. We got library cards before the end of the summer and Isaac and I enjoy reading to each other. And I've checked out history books, biographies, psychology and theology, self help books and even a cook book--it was a beginners cookbook for children but hey, that's my level. Gotta start at the bottom and go up or I'll just suck forever. 

I've managed to stay alive. That's major. Every day is stressful. Every day I want to quit. Every day feels like a good day to just give up. But I fight it. Dammit, I fight it like a fucking warrior. Depression mixed with a healthy helping of almost uncontrollable anxiety is a bad concoction to fight but I fight. I'm ALIVE. I get to walk out my door every morning and feel the sun on my face or smell freshly cut grass on weekend mornings when the lawn guys decide it's a worthy time to get the grounds looking like a well cut beard. I get to sit under the winter constellations while enjoying some tea on a fresh, crisp, cool South Texas winter evening.

I AM FUCKING ALIVE. And that is my happily ever after for now. I fight it alone sometimes; there is sometimes no one to wipe my tears or hold my hand as I grit my teeth through the worst of it but I am fucking alive and breathing. In my head, I'm Wonder Woman, slaying my demons one ugly ass face at a time. #achievement