Run...Find Yourself

I decided to start running again. Tonight was my first attempt after postponing all week after resolving for two weeks that I needed to start. Procrastination and busy life excuses at it's best y'all! I used to be so good about running. I ran at least three times a week once upon a long, long time ago.

I was kind of thrilled to lace my shoes up with purpose. Eye of the tiger resolve. Earphones in, mace tucked in my pocket, fingers wrapped around my knife. Two Door Cinema Club, Miike Snow, Alicia Keys, Chuck Berry, Patsy Cline, The Temper Trap, Daft Punk all came along for the thirty minute interval run.

Left foot in front, then right foot. Breathe in, breathe out. Thirty seconds pass by and all seems well. There's the tiniest breeze pushing at my back which is good because that's where I sweat like a man. First minute I'm doing okay. Left foot, right foot. And then the shorts start to feel like they're riding up my ass. So adjust, adjust. Left foot, right foot. Damn thick thighs. And I start to feel the weight of my rear end as I get into minute two of the run, jiggling like jello that's been taken out of the fridge too soon. It's not the firm kind of jiggle. It's the out of control, need to do more squats kind of jiggle. 

Entering minute three and all of a sudden my breathing is out of whack because I'm so distracted by the heavy fall of my butt every time a foot hits the pothole-ridden pavement. Gets me thinking about the number of burgers and tacos I've eaten in the past month and how I'm feeling the weighted, unhealthy fat that was left behind. The residuals of my bad eating habits. 

Entering minute four and my pace is wickedly slower than before. And I feel that I'm probably wheezing but I can't tell for sure because I've turned my music up to the max volume so I can't hear my shameful, labored breathing. Riiiiight foot, left, riiiiiiiight foot, left, riiiiiiight foot. I'm limping more than I am running now and to make matters more uncomfortable, I'm feeling I have gas. Yep, that rumbly in my tumbly is gas. Meh, release! Who's gonna oppose my little toot in the dark of the night on a lonely, quiet, forlorn street. 

I take note of my shadow. Pear shaped with a lot of bottom heaviness. I see this, I don't like it but oddly enough, I'm thinking of vanilla wafers now and how it's been a while since I've had vanilla wafers or cookies n' cream ice cream. 

Minute five is upon me. And I can't go on no more! I slow to a fast paced walk, put my arms down, and because my ovaries have released an egg, I feel the tears shed despite the blare of an upbeat song on Pandora. That's cute. Pandora radio trying to comfort me. I let myself cry for a few seconds. I'm not crying because I had to stop...I knew it wasn't going to be easy peasy to start running again. I'm crying to release. The stress. The feelings of rejection. Running does that to me. It forces me to embrace my weakness and shed the shame while getting stronger. I know I can get better with more time and more effort and practice. I've done it before. I know damn well I can do it again. 

But sometimes a bitch gotta cry, ya know? Crying because I ran into the side of the desk at work but couldn't cry in front of people despite the intense pain...because the ovaries are releasing an egg and that's painful enough. 

So it becomes interval running. Rest a few seconds and then pick up the running when the cramp on my right side gets too much. Run it off. Run the pain off. The longest I ran without stopping tonight was eight minutes. But I was out there on that road for thirty minutes, moving with and against the breeze, sweating, thinking, and finding a tiny measure of peace in doing something worthwhile for myself. 

I finished the run tonight feeling better. It's good to run again. Weather permitting or maybe I won't care what kind of weather is in store, I am already planning on finding a nice trail to run with the human boy and puppy boy. We shall see. BUT the running is revived! Hallelujah! Praise be!

Again, it felt good to do something for me. Peace and blessings everyone!