Single

I have told myself repeatedly that I need to be alone. I've gone through therapy to change the way I think. I've allowed myself to medicate so that I can get a healthy grip on my realities. I've done the prescribed things to get over the shame and guilt of losing my brother, the pain and emptiness of multiple miscarriages, and the heartache of my divorce. I've tried every avenue to get rid of this ever gaping hole and ache in the pit of my stomach for every situation that traumatized me. Alcohol, exercise, prayer, meditation, vitamins, socializing, getting out, service work...I've tried almost everything and anything. Including relationships. 

Recently, I surrendered myself to a non-relationship relationship and after several "break ups" and silent periods, it finally dissolved to nothingness again. And I've sat here for hours now analyzing my behavior. The first question that ripples across my mind is, of course, "what is wrong with me?" I keep getting into these relationships that last two to three months that get volatile, intense, and in the end, painful. And at every ending, I question my worth and value. It's an ugly feeling to face myself in the mirror with broken eyes and a hallow heart. I take note of every physical detail and break down everything that is wrong and flawed. I make myself sick. Sometimes I'm tempted to break the mirror and thrust a shard of glass through the blackness where my heart resides. 

I come away angry at the other person, blaming him for every hurt and insecurity. But I'm realizing that those "new" insecurities were always there. I've been dropping myself into these relationships to try and fill a hole, to try and get rid of pain. I made a list of all the guys I've had a somewhat serious relationship with or surrendered my heart to, and there is a pattern or a type. They were all brilliant geniuses whose thoughts and ideas had depth and triggered my mind in ways regular guys couldn't. Their intellect triggered my mind in a way that only one person in my life could...Dallace. I gravitate towards these certain types of men because they remind me of Dallace and our deep and probing conversations. They are my addiction because they fill the hole that Dallace ripped and left behind with his untimely death. 

And as I think about my decisions and behavior in every relationship including my marriage, I realize I have not faced my pain properly. I've been using other people as balm for the burn I feel so vividly and scathingly in my soul. I continue to hate myself for not being there for my baby brother and constantly seek healing through everyone else but myself. 

So here I am. Resolving to be alone. Not because I'm bitter for the things I thought men were doing to me....but because I must reconnect with myself. I have to get back to the point where I accept myself and am happy with myself again. Back to those days when I felt invincible and fearless. All this time, I told myself I'm afraid of relationships with others because I was afraid of their rejection when the truth is....I'm afraid of my own rejection. I'm afraid of the hate I have for myself. I'm scared of my own perception of myself. Someone once told me "perception is reality..." It's time to face my own reality and love it no matter how imperfect. 

I've known I needed to be alone for sometime....I just was not sure why....and again, I was afraid to face myself. And while I'm not happy for the pain these current relationships have caused me, I think that my heart has not really been broken...my expectations were broken...but because my expectations were broken, it's brought me closer to opening up my heart to myself. So here's another attempt at being alone...but this time to learn acceptance of myself rather than shutting out people.